What the Dickens?
by phoebenpiper
Summary: The team spends a silly day together at a Victorian Christmas Faire.  Pure character fluff.  Post Series-5.  Abby/Connor, Jess/Becker, Emily/Matt.


WHAT THE DICKENS?

a silly holiday Primeval story by phoebenpiper

...

"Abby, why you bein' such a bloomin' misery?"

The blonde girl sighed. "I promised I'd go, Connor, but I never said I'd wear a costume."

"Roight. Like I said, abso-bloomin'-lutely a misery."

"And please don't tell me you're going to talk in that ridiculous Cockney accent all day."

"Ridiculous, wot? 'Sides, I'm th'Artful Dodger - 'ow else you 'spect me t' talk?"

Before she could reply, Abby heard a knock on the front door and headed out to answer it, calling back into the bedroom, "And FYI, Dodger wore a top hat, not a newsboy."

As she crossed the flat, she heard the front door open down below, followed almost immediately by a gasp. Abby hurried towards the stairs to make sure Jess was okay and was already halfway down to her flatmate when she saw Becker standing in the doorway.

No wonder Jess had gasped! Becker was resplendent in a green brocade waistcoat, a black tailcoat, and a top hat. Even Abby had to make an effort not to drool at the handsome ensemble.

Becker, however, was too busy fawning over Jess's outfit to notice anyone else. "Wow, Jess, you look...I mean...wow!"

Although the girl's back was to her, Abby could practically feel Jess's blush radiating off of her.

Becker continued, "But are you sure you should wear that out? I mean, won't they get - I mean YOU - won't YOU get cold, being so...exposed?"

Abby couldn't help but laugh at his Freudian slip, and the noise drew attention to her presence on the stairs.

Glancing up at her, Becker frowned. "Where's your costume?

Abby shrugged. "I'm not wearing one."

Becker turned back to Jess. "You said I MUST wear one because everyone else was."

"Jess didn't know," Abby said, quickly coming to her flatmate's defense.

"And you look lovely," Jess finally managed to get out, having been struck speechless since his arrival.

Abby rolled her eyes - the two of them were beyond hopeless. They'd shared a holiday kiss under the mistletoe a few days ago, but it hadn't exactly improved things. Although they were both now aware that their feelings towards each other were mutual, neither of them was willing to make the next move. Abby wondered just how long the two of them could keep this up before the sexual tension killed them all.

"C'mon upstairs, Becker," Abby invited, realising that the two were liable to stand in the doorway admiring each other all day if she didn't do something. "Matt and Emily aren't here yet."

Abby hurried up the stairs, instantly colliding with her fiance.

"Connor! Watch where you're going, yeah?"

"I'm practicin'," he insisted.

"Practicing what?"

"Pickin' pockets," he said, proudly holding up the lipbalm he'd just nicked from her jeans.

"Connor!" Abby scolded, grabbing it back from him.

But before she could reprimand him further, there was a loud thud on the stairs, followed instantly by Becker's worried voice:

"Jess! You okay?"

"I'm fine," she insisted. '"I'm just not used to wearing skirts this long, let alone hoops."

And thus why Abby wasn't dressing up today. Connor had insisted they all go to this Great Dickens Christmas Faire, and she was actually looking forward to spending a fun day with her friends...but without the distraction of having to deal with a corseted costume.

Jess finally reach the top of the stairs, her skirts and hoops now hoisted up well above her knees so she wouldn't trip.

"I hardly think Emily would approve, Jess," Abby teased as Jess dropped the hoops back down and tried to adjust her skirts back around them.

"Emily had years to practice going up and down stairs in these," Jess insisted, breathing heavily. "Not to mention breathing in a corset!"

"Did I lace you up too tightly?" Abby asked before noticing that Becker looked more than willing to help loosen her ribbons.

"No, I'm fine," Jess said with a smile. "Just still getting used to it."

A knock came on the door, and Jess sighed, clearly not wanting to make another trip down the stairs.

"I'll get it," Becker offered, rushing out of sight.

Abby heard the door open and then Becker ask, "Where's YOUR costume?

"I wore those clothes my entire life," Emily's voice came drifting up the stairs. "Why on earth would I want to wear them now?"

In a moment, Becker, Emily, and Matt came into view. The former Victorian was decked out in standard 21st century wear, but Matt wore a long brown Victorian overcoat.

"You look nice, Matt," Abby complimented.

"But he's not wearing a hat," Emily complained. "During my time, no man would've gone out without covering his head."

"I seemed to pass all right when I followed the raptor through," Matt pointed out.

"Not quite," Emily shook her head. "From the moment Henry saw you, he..."

She cut herself off, and Abby recognised the pain and sadness in her friend's eyes at the sudden memory. Emily hadn't loved her husband, but clearly his death - and all that had happened to bring her back here - still weighed heavily upon her.

So Abby quickly changed the subject. "Since we're all here, we should go ahead and go."

"'Cept Lester," Connor pointed out. "Pity 'e ain't comin'."

Abby shook her head - she'd known Lester had had no intention of joining them on this outing, for he surely had better ways to spend his weekend, but she hoped Connor wouldn't be too disappointed. She continued, "Should we take two cars, or can we all squeeze into one?"

"Jess ain't squeezin' in nowhere in them 'oops," Connor pointed out.

"Why's he talking like that?" Emily frowned. "And Jess, what are you wearing?

"Isn't it lovely?" Jess said, spinning around in her dark red Victorian ballgown and knocking several items off the coffee table with her hoops.

Becker quickly bent down to pick up the fallen objects, obviously nervous about Jess leaning over in her precariously low-cut frock. "Jess can go in my car," he offered. "We'll just follow you."

Abby nodded. "Then let's go."

...

Once they finally got Jess and her skirts extricated from Becker's car, the team made their way across the carpark towards the entrance.

"Shouldn't you be wearing a cloak or something?" Becker asked a shivering Jess.

"I'll be fine once we're inside," she answered through chattering teeth.

Abby saw Becker frown, though she wasn't sure whether it was because he was worried about Jess...or because he was disconcerted that every man who passed was appreciating Jess's corseted display.

As they turned the corner, they caught sight of the entry queue.

"What on earth are they wearing?" Emily asked, clearly aghast at some of the costumes.

"Oh, it must be Steampunk Day, and I didn't know!" Connor said, forgetting his Cockney accent in his disappointment.

"What's 'Steampunk'?" Emily asked.

"It's a geek thing," Abby whispered behind Connor's back.

"But I just remembered - I think I have my goggles back in the car!" Connor exclaimed, turning and running back from whence they'd just come.

"Should we wait for him?" Jess asked.

Abby shook her head. "No, let's go on and queue up. He can catch up to us later."

As they walked past the queue, Abby took in the outfits of the other attendees. She noticed that many of the men were hatless, and she imagined it must be driving Emily crazy.

However, the former Victorian was too busy criticising the women's outfits to notice. "What's with all the hiked-up bustles and exposed ankles? Only harlots would dare dress that way that in public."

"Emily," Matt warned, clearly wanting her to keep her voice down.

But she was oblivious. "Women would never wear top hats, particularly not tiny ones like those. Besides, most of these hairstyles are completely inappropriate for polite society. And what's with all the gears on everything?"

"Steampunk's not meant to be historically accurate," Abby explained. "It's meant to be...creative."

"Harumph!" Emily scoffed just as Connor ran up, donning a pair of goggles, covered in gears, round his neck.

"Took me ages, but I found 'em," Connor said, breathing heavily from having run back.

"Those are very...creative," Emily said, and Abby tried not to laugh.

"And what's with your trousers?" Becker asked, now that they were all taking in Connor's outfit.

"Wot? Me breeches?"

"You do know that only young boys wore knee breeches," Emily pointed out.

"But I'm th'Artful Dodger. Best pickpocket in London! These breeches are 'andy, see? It's often very useful t'git lost in a crowd. I mean, you can't 'spect Jess to git away from th'Bow Street Runners in that git-up, do ya?"

"But see, Connor, I don't need to run away," Jess said with a smug grin. "Because no one would ever suspect a lady such as me." And with that she triumphantly produced a familiar wallet out from behind her skirts with a flourish.

"Hey!" Becker said, grabbing his wallet out of Jess's hand and glaring at the girl.

But Connor was impressed. "Nice!" he said, sharing a high-five with his partner in crime.

Abby suddenly remembered how Connor had nicked her lipbalm that morning and wondered if he and Jess had been practicing this new skill together. Ordinarily she supported any activity that kept those two off the streets, but she was worried that they might forget their heads and try it out on strangers.

But before she could lay down some pickpocketing ground rules, she heard, "Welcome, m'lords and ladies, to the Great Dickens Christmas Faire." They'd finally reached the entrance, where a man in costume was greeting everyone. "Step through these doors and instantly travel back in time."

"Where've I heard that before?" Matt mumbled under his breath.

"Yeah, me thought we was 'avin' a day off," Connor joked.

"Shh!" Jess hushed them before handing their tickets to the greeter.

"Thank you, m'lady." He handed her a stack of programmes before tipping his hat to her. "Enjoy the day's entertainments."

The team followed Jess inside, though not before Becker gave the greeter a deadly glare. The building was done up to look like old-fashioned streets with Victorian storefronts along them and lively orchestral music sounding off to the left.

"Ooh, there's dancing!" Jess squealed excitedly, instantly heading towards the music.

Abby saw the look of panic on Becker's face and decided to take pity on him. "Jess, let's first take a look at the programmes they gave us."

"Oh, right! Sorry," she said, quickly handing them out to the rest of the team.

Abby perused the programme with interest. It was done up like an old-fashioned newspaper, printed in red, green and black Victorian fonts with multiple woodblock illustrations from the time period on each page. Opening it up, Abby was relieved to find a map of the entire Faire inside.

"So where should we start?" Matt asked.

"Fezziwig's Dance Party?" Jess suggested, which, according to the map, was where the music was emanating from.

"The Ale House," Becker countered.

"Wot say we tip our 'ats at Father Christmas?"

"There's several stages with performances," Emily pointed out. "Those might be entertaining."

"But none of them start till closer to noon," Matt said, glancing at the schedule.

"Then what say we walk around together for a bit," Abby suggested, "and then we can split up later?"

Becker nodded. "Good plan." Abby was certain the soldier would've been content with ANY scheme that didn't involve dancing.

The team started strolling down the fake streets. Abby was impressed with the ambience of the place - it truly did feel like they'd stepped back in time, although she was certain Emily would dispute this. The outfits worn by the other fairegoers, like their own team, ran the gamut from modern street clothes to period-accurate Victorian costumes to "creative" Steampunk attire. There were even entire families dressed up, with the children and adults alike adorned in matching costumes. One family in particular caught Abby's eye, but before she could point them out, Jess exclaimed, "What are you doing?"

Abby turned to see that Becker had draped his arm around Jess's bare shoulders.

"You looked cold," the soldier answered matter-of-factly, but Abby was certain that his move had less to do with the draughty hall and more to do with the ogling men passing by.

But Jess believed his excuse, smiling up at him fondly as she confessed, "Thank you. It is a bit chilly in here."

Emily, however, frowned at the couple. "In my day, an unmarried girl would never-" she began, but Matt cut her off with a look, recognising that Jess and Becker didn't exactly care about being historically accurate.

The team wandered past assorted booths, showing handcrafts of the time. One man was blowing glass, a woman was making lace, and a printing office was demonstrating how an antique printing press worked.

Abby suddenly heard the sound of dragging chains behind her. She turned and was surprised to find herself face to face with Jacob Marley! The actor's costume and make-up were unnervingly realistic, and he dragged his chains along the ground as if in a stupour, not even acknowledging anyone else's presence.

The spell was broken, however, by flashes from assorted digital cameras and mobiles, all eager to capture a photo of the ghost.

Turning back around, Abby realised that the rest of the team had disappeared. She glanced around and eventually found them in a bookseller's filled with beautiful antique books.

"See? THESE are books," Emily was saying to Matt as she eagerly pulled out volume after volume and flipped through them.

Matt shook his head. "Most of these are already available as e-books, which don't waste as much space."

"Waste?"

Emily turned on her heels and stormed across to the other side of the small store, clearly frustrated that Matt didn't appreciate their true value.

"Oh Abby, look at this," Jess said, holding up a book with ornamental trim, its binding declaring _The Standard Book on Politeness, Good Behaviour, and Social Etiquette for Young Ladies_. "Can you believe this? There's an entire chapter on Ringlets and Tresses!"

As Jess began reading to herself, Abby smiled and wandered about the shop, checking out what the others were looking at. Becker was engrossed in a multi-volume set on military strategies whilst Connor was overjoyed with an illustrated tome on King Arthur and His Knights. Matt, however, was clearly not enjoying himself.

"Nothing here to interest you?" Abby asked.

Matt shook his head. "I just can't help but think of all the trees that were chopped down," he said with a shudder as he gestured to the high shelves lining the store.

Abby smiled, intrigued by his unique perspective. "Think of it this way, Matt - the trees died years ago, so at least we can appreciate their sacrifice."

Matt shrugged, and she could tell that he simply couldn't see it that way.

Deciding that it was time they move onto something they could all enjoy, Abby started rounding everyone up. At her suggestion, her friends reluctantly tore themselves away from the books they were reading and headed out to the street. All, that is, except Jess.

"I can't get out," Jess explained, gesturing to the narrow passageway between the shelves that made it impossible for her to squeeze through in her hoops. "I'll...uh...just meet you outside."

Watching Jess struggle to get through the crowded store, Abby realised that Emily had had to deal with this sort of thing on a daily basis - no wonder she preferred the 21st century!

Once the team was reassembled outside, Abby led the way down Nickelby Road, past Pickwick Way, towards Petticoat Lane.

"Ooh, shoes!" Jess exclaimed, rushing inside a women's clothing store before anyone could stop her, followed closely by a reluctant Becker.

"If you insist on wearing this," Emily said, gesturing to Matt's Victorian coat, "then you're going to do it right. Come with me."

She charged into the adjacent men's haberdashery with Matt in tow, leaving Abby and Connor alone on the street.

"Having a good time?" Abby asked her fiance, already seeing the answer on his face.

He nodded enthusiastically. "Abso-bloomin'-lutely! 'N' you, me li'l crumpet?"

"It's a lot of fun," Abby nodded, ignoring the offensive nickname because she knew he was only trying to stay in character. "I'm glad we came."

Connor grinned and kissed her, obviously pleased with her reaction.

Their kiss was interrupted, however, by Jess hurrying out of the store. "Look at this beautiful lace shawl Becker bought me as an early Christmas present. Isn't it lovely?"

Abby grinned and shot Becker a look - clearly he'd had an ulterior motive for the purchase, as the delicate lace did an excellent job of covering up much of Jess's corseted glory.

"Yer a vision, m'lady," Connor said, whipping off his cap and doing a deep, exaggerated bow, accidentally whacking himself in the face with the goggles hung around his neck.

Abby suppressed her own laugh, though she heard Becker snort with amusement. Luckily Connor didn't seem to notice because he was too busy checking out Matt's new ensemble.

"Nice 'at," Connor complimented as Matt and Emily emerged from the haberdashery.

Abby noticed that the team leader was now decked out in a new hat, scarf, gloves, and blue-grey waistcoat. And while he didn't strike quite as impressive a figure as Becker, Matt looked quite handsome in his new kit.

Evidently Jess thought so, too. "You look lovely, Matt. That outfit really suits you."

"Ya look a roight gent. 'N next time we arter git Abby 'n' Emily t'dress up, too."

"Next time?" Becker repeated under his breath.

As Abby smiled at the soldier's comment, a movement caught her eye, and she turned to see the costumed family she'd noticed earlier disappearing into the crowd near the carousel.

"It's almost noon," Matt commented, pulling his folded programme out from his pocket and glancing at the schedule. "The Christmas Pantomime starts in a few minutes - is anyone interested?"

Abby shrugged. "Sure. What are they doing?"

"Aladdin and Cinderella Meet the Monkey King."

Becker sighed and rolled his eyes - this was clearly not his idea of entertainment. But as the team headed off towards the Victoria and Albert Music Hall, Abby sidled up to the soldier and whispered in his ear.

"The lace shawl is lovely, but I doubt it's keeping Jess that warm."

She saw Becker raise an eyebrow and imagined he would no longer complain about being sat next to Jess on a cozy bench for the next hour.

...

The pantomime was amusing, and Abby enjoyed snuggling next to Connor in the draughty hall. Afterwards, the couples decided to split up, each heading off to their own amusements.

"So," Abby began once their friends had disappeared, "what would you like to do?"

Connor gave her a pleading look, and she knew that she would probably regret asking.

"Can we go to the Clockwork Fantastical?"

"Which is...?"

"The Steampunk booth?"

Of course, Abby thought to herself. But she smiled and nodded. "Lead the way."

Connor grinned and gave her a quick kiss before rushing them through the crowds to the back corner. There was a large area done up like a Victorian library, filled with strange steam-powered machines and fantastical safari trophies, such as a three-foot dragonfly, hung on the walls. Next to the Clockwork Fantastical sign hung a giant fake T-Rex skull, surrounded by an evergreen wreath. Whilst Abby didn't really understand Steampunk, she could certainly understand its appeal to Connor.

As they wandered about, examining the displays, a voice suddenly sounded behind them.

"'Dodger'?"

They turned to find themselves face-to-face with Connor's friend Duncan, dressed in a similar pickpocket outfit to Connor's.

"'Charley Bates'!" Connor greeted, his accent forgotten as he gave Duncan a friendly handshake before pulling him into a quick hug. "I didn't expect to see you here, mate. You're looking good. Really good. How you doing? Are you still living...?" He trailed off, obviously not knowing how to politely describe the condemned building they'd last seen Duncan in.

Duncan shook his head. "Nah, I moved back in with my mum. And I'm...uh...on meds now. Doing lots better."

Abby could see Connor's sheer relief. "That's so good to hear, mate. I was really worried about you."

"Yeah," Duncan said, nodding. "So, I saw that T-Rex on the news - was that you?"

Connor nodded. "Yep, unfortunately. Bit of a mess that was."

"You kidding? You guys are, like, heroes now." Duncan's voice took on a more serious tone as he added, "Fagin would be proud."

From the look of sadness that crossed Connor's face, Abby guessed that 'Fagin' had been Tom's name in whatever this Dickensian role-playing game was. She took Connor's hand and gave it a comforting squeeze, knowing how guilty he still felt over Tom's death.

Duncan nodded his head towards Abby. "So you still with her?"

"Abby? Yep!" Connor said with a grin, holding up her hand to show off the ring he'd recently bought for her. "Engaged actually!"

Duncan's jaw dropped. "How'd you ever get her to say 'yes'?"

"He didn't," Abby jumped in. "I got him to."

"Wow!" Duncan gave Connor a look of sheer idolatry. "You really ARE my hero."

Connor shrugged, clearly not knowing what to say.

So Abby rushed in, offering, "We're planning to wander about the Faire for a bit - would you care to join us, Duncan...er, 'Charley'?"

Connor squeezed her hand in gratitude as Duncan answered, "Oh, I'd love to, but I'm working here at the booth all day. They want us to mill about the displays to 'provide ambience'." He gestured towards the other costumed people standing in the room. "But you two should come back at 4 - we're doing a giant squid feeding."

"You have a giant squid?" Abby asked, suddenly intrigued.

"Nah. Not a real one, of course. It's just a silly little show we put on, but it's fun."

"Sounds great," Connor said. "We'll definitely come back for it."

"If we can," Abby added, not sure if the rest of the team would be interested.

"Well, I'd best get back to work," Duncan said, gesturing vaguely to a fake porthole on the far wall.

Connor nodded. "It's so good to see you, 'Charley'!"

"You, too, 'Dodge'."

The two of them shared a ridiculous-looking handshake before Connor and Abby headed out into the street. Once there, Connor gave his fiance a tender kiss on the cheek.

"What was that for?" Abby asked.

"For being MY hero," he said meaningfully.

Abby smiled. "You can return the favour by helping me find the loo," she teased, giving him a kiss on the lips. "And please tell me it's not Victorian, as I'm rather found of 21st century plumbing!"

...

After the trip to the necessary, Abby and Connor queued up for some lunch. There was a strange variety of restaurants to choose from, and finding seating on the crowded benches was quite an ordeal. When they'd finished, they wandered about the streets some more, watching the drunken sailors sing shanties on the docks and listening to temperance ladies rail on about the dangers of alcohol. Periodically Abby would spot the family she'd seen earlier, but they always seemed to disappear into the crowd before she could get a good look at them.

Finally, as Connor was finishing up a game of Boot the Cat, he nodded down the street, noting under his breath, "'Ere come th' 'appy couple."

As Jess and Becker approached, Abby asked, "So what've you two been up to?" She noticed the look of sheer joy on Jess's face and wondered if they'd been hanging out together under the mistletoe.

But it wasn't mistletoe that was making her grin.

"Dancing!" Jess beamed, bouncing up and down excitedly on her toes so that her hoops jiggled.

Abby was shocked. "You actually danced?" she asked Becker.

The soldier, however, shook his head as Jess blurted out, "Yes, with the absolutely cutest boy EVER!"

Considering the death glares Becker had been giving any man who dared glance at Jess all day, Abby couldn't imagine him being content to let another man hold her in his arms. Yet not only had he apparently done so, he even seemed unphased by Jess now gushing about her handsome dance partner.

Connor was clearly shocked as well for he dropped his Cockney to ask, "You let someone else dance...with THOSE?"

Jess was so wrapped up in her story that she ignored his comment and rushed on eagerly, "He so desperately wanted to dance - and believe me, I know how that feels - but his mum kept saying-"

"Wait," Abby interrupted, starting to catch on. "His mum?"

"He was five," Becker said simply, a fact which explained everything.

Jess nodded. "So his mum kept saying that she didn't know how to dance, so I asked if he wanted to dance with me, and he immediately hurried over and took my hands. We didn't REALLY dance, of course; we just turned in circles amongst the other dancers on the floor, but he was in absolute HEAVEN! It was the sweetest thing! And afterwards I taught him how to clap for the musicians and how to escort his partner back to her place like a proper gentleman."

"She was brilliant," Becker confirmed, and Abby couldn't tell what percentage of his smile was sheer relief at having gotten out of dancing himself...and what was simply joy at seeing Jess so happy.

"Sorry we missed it," Abby said.

"Per'aps we arter go back later," Connor suggested. "They 'ave dancin' most all day."

But before Becker could protest, Emily and Matt approached.

"Went back to the bookseller, yeah?" Abby teased.

"Whatever gave you that idea?" Matt asked drily, attempting to shift the half-metre-tall stack of books in his hands.

"We would like the keys to the car," Emily stated, holding a substantial-sized stack herself.

Connor made a face. "I best join ya - made a roight mess of d'boot when I was lookin' for me goggles earlier."

As the three of them started towards the exit, Abby called after, "We'll stay here so you can find us."

Once they'd gone, Jess declared, "If we're staying here, then I've GOT to buy some sweet almonds before the smell drives me insane!"

Abby knew exactly how she felt. The cinnamon odour was all-pervasive in this corner of the hall, and Abby had been thinking about buying some herself.

Becker, however, had other purchases in mind. "I'm going to get some ale - you two need anything?"

The girls shook their heads, so Becker hurried off by himself towards the Ale House as the girls queued up at the almond cart. The closer they got, the more overpowering the smell became, such that Abby felt she'd die of hunger before they could make their purchase. As the hot almonds were finally scooped out into the paper cones, the seller asked, "Do you want me to close them up or leave them-"

"Open!" Jess and Abby both replied in unison before he could even finish.

The man laughed, and Abby imagined that they weren't the first customers to be so eager.

And the almonds didn't disappoint. Abby was already on her fourth handful by the time Becker rejoined them, and her paper cone was nearly empty by the time Connor and the others returned.

"I found a store we've got to go back to!" Connor was clearly excited because he'd once again dropped his ridiculous accent.

"Sounds good," Jess said with a willing smile. "Lead the way."

As they entered the store, Abby was struck by a strange sense of deja vu, but it wasn't until she saw the huge display of bone badges with witty sayings that she realised why - this same vendor had been at the Renaissance Faire Connor had dragged her to last summer. Although Victorian Christmases seemed to have little in common with the Renaissance, Abby understood that dorks in costumes were dorks in costume, no matter what the time period.

"So what exactly are these for?" Emily asked as the six of them crowded around the display.

"They're not fer nothin'," Connor explained. "They're jist s'posed t'be funny."

"Ooh, shiny!" Jess exclaimed.

"What?" Becker asked, looking about as if expecting to see new shoes or the like.

"That's what this says," Jess explained, holding up a badge which did indeed say "_Ooh shiny!_"

"Why does this one have Abby's name on it?" Emily asked.

Abby turned to look at the badge her friend was holding, which read "_Abby Normal_".

"It's a quote," Abby explained, hoping Emily wouldn't inquire, not wanting to explain that the film _Young Frankenstein_ had little to do with Mary Shelley's classic.

"'_What doesn't kill you...has made a bad tactical error_'," Becker read aloud. "So true."

"I like this one better," Connor said. "'_What doesn't kill you...really hurts!_'"

Abby smiled and gave her fiance a warm peck on the cheek, knowing how accident-prone he could be.

"Here's one for you, Emily," Matt said, handing the girl a badge.

"'_I'm Not Bossy. I just know what you should be doing_'," Emily read aloud, causing Becker to chuckle.

Afraid Emily might get upset, Abby quickly changed the subject by offering, "Here's one for Lester: '_A team effort...is a lot of people doing what I say_'."

Everyone laughed before continuing to read through the various sayings on their own. Abby saw Connor surreptitiously hand Becker a badge, to which the soldier coldly replied, "Jess's are blue; yours are brown. What's your point?"

Abby smiled and wondered if Becker could've answered that badge's question if it had been pinned to the girl's low-cut dress!

The sayings ran the gamut from geeky quotes to lewd quips. Abby could definitely imagine Jess wearing "_Sorry - can't fix stupid!_"; Matt wearing "_You seem a decent fellow - I'd hate to kill you_"; or Becker wearing "_I'm not mean - you're just a sissy_"; and she was fairly certain Connor already owned "_Don't call me a geek or I'll whack you with my lightsaber_". She, herself, was partial to "_Don't worry - it's not my blood_" and "_The way to a man's heart...is between the 3rd and 4th ribs_" and guessed Emily would like these as well.

Emily, however, was too busy looking at other badges. "Why is that girl holding a flamingo?" she asked, gesturing to the classic Tenniel illustration.

"Don't you know Alice?" Jess asked.

"Alice who?"

"Alice! From _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_."

Emily frowned. "That sounds vaguely familiar. But isn't that merely a children's story?"

"No! It's a CLASSIC!" Jess insisted, obviously caring deeply about the subject.

"'_Why is a raven like a writing desk?_'" Connor absently read aloud off an adjacent badge.

Seeing the large number of Alice badges, Abby whispered in Becker's ear, "Perhaps Jess would like a badge to clasp her shawl closed."

Becker nodded and instantly picked up one that read "_For Display Purposes Only_". Abby shook her head disapprovingly, so he shrugged, put the badge down, and began perusing the Alice illustrations instead.

Jess suddenly gasped, and Abby looked up just in time to see her friend slamming the lid down on a wooden box, her face bright red.

"What is it?" Abby asked, somewhere between worried and intrigued.

"Nothing!" she replied a little too emphatically. She must've sensed how she sounded for she quickly added in a calmer voice, "So, is everyone about ready to move on?"

Becker, meanwhile, was attempting to read what was printed on the box lid, but Jess quickly covered it up, her face growing even redder. The soldier slowly pried her fingers up one by one, eventually revealing the words "Naughty Bits Bone Badges". Knowing how risque some of the sayings were out on the general display, Abby wasn't surprised that Jess was blushing.

Deciding to take pity on her friend, Abby declared, "Jess is right. We shouldn't spend all afternoon in here, yeah? I think we're all ready."

The others reluctantly agreed and started to head out of the shop. Abby noticed Becker holding a badge with the Tenniel illustration of Alice with the "Drink Me" bottle, so she asked, "Getting that for Jess?"

Becker nodded. "What do you think?"

Abby smiled. "I think she'll love it. And I'll go pay for it, if you can distract Connor for a few minutes." She discretely held up the badge in her hand, which read "_SMS - Society for Mad Science_".

Becker laughed and handed her the Alice badge. "It's a deal."

Abby quickly purchased the badges and then hurried out of the store, only to find the rest of the team in an uproar.

"What happened?" Abby asked, sidling up beside Matt.

The team leader shook his head, a bit confused himself. "Jess received some sort of telegram."

"A telegram?" Abby repeated, surprised.

Matt nodded. "And now Becker's upset because the bloke didn't sign it."

Abby was about to ask for more details when she suddenly heard a voice calling out, "Lady Merchant! Telegram for Lady Emily Merchant!" Abby turned to see a young street urchin, about 11 or 12, weaving through the crowded streets, waving a card in his hand.

"I'm Lady Merchant," Emily said, flagging down the boy. The kid handed her a card and a piece of holly and then stood there, patiently waiting.

"Ain't ya gonna tip 'im?" Connor prodded.

Emily shrugged, reaching into her pocket and placing a tuppence in the boy's hand.

"Yer a roight big spender, ain'tcha?" the boy said with a scowl before rushing off.

"Did I do something wrong?" Emily asked Matt, thoroughly confused.

But Becker wasn't interested in her unintended stinginess. "What's it say?" he asked shortly.

Emily read from the card in her hand, "May you find happiness and home here in this time. Signed, Father Christmas."

"That's so sweet," Jess said, though Becker's look showed he didn't agree.

"What did yours say, Jess?" Abby asked, curious as to what had upset Becker so.

"Oh, Father Christmas told me, 'May you find your Christmas wish under the mistletoe.'" Jess blushed slightly as she gave a surreptitious glance towards Becker.

Abby nodded - no wonder the soldier had been upset. She wondered if the telegrams were just part of the general ambience of the Faire or if they'd been sent by someone they knew. It seemed an awful coincidence that Jess's would mention mistletoe and Emily's would mention time if they'd just been randomly sent. Abby had seen a telegraph office at some point in their wanderings, but since none of the team members had been alone since their arrival, she couldn't imagine any of them having had time to send the messages.

But before she could offer any of these observations, she heard her own name being called through the streets.

"Ms. Maitland! Ms. Abby Maitland!"

"Just think, Abby," Jess pointed out, "you'll have to start answering to a new name soon."

"Unless Temple takes HER name," Becker mumbled under his breath, eliciting an elbow in the side from Jess.

Abby flagged down the boy, this time giving him a pound coin before sending him on his way. She stared at her name written in elegant calligraphy on the back of the card, briefly contemplating Jess's words, before turning it over to read:

"May your Christmas be filled with as much happiness as you bring me." And, like the others, it was simply signed "Father Christmas."

But he wasn't fooling anyone.

"Connor, when did you have time to write these?"

"Wot? Me? How's ya mean?" Connor asked, but he was a terrible liar, even with his Cockney accent.

"You ran and did this when I queued up for the loo, didn't you?" Abby said, having quickly gone through the entire day in her head. "No wonder you were out of breath when I came out."

"T'were Father Christmas, like th' 'grams say," he insisted.

"Seriously, Connor, did you send these?" Emily asked.

Connor reluctantly nodded, heaving a sulky sigh. "T'was meant t'be a surprise."

Abby kissed him on the cheek, feeling a bit guilty she'd been the one to blow the gaff. "And it was a lovely surprise."

"Yes, I quite like mine," Jess said meaningfully, grinning up at Becker.

The soldier shrugged. "If Temple sent it, I guess it's not so bad."

Abby shot Becker a knowing look but avoided the temptation to say, "Jealous much?" He caught her meaning anyway and rolled his eyes, changing the subject with, "So are we about done here?"

"Not quite," Abby said. "It's almost 4, and Connor and I promised a friend we'd show up for the giant squid feeding."

"Giant squid feeding?" Jess asked, nervously looking around. "They have a giant squid here at the Faire?"

"No need t'worry, me ladies," Connor said. "T'weren't real."

"Oh," Emily said, sounding disappointed. "That would've been delightful."

"Still, it sounds like it could be fun," Matt said. "Let's go."

...

"That was more ridiculous than the pantomime," Becker grumbled as they made their way out of the Clockwork Fantastical booth.

"I thought it was quite enjoyable," Emily countered.

"Are you kidding?" Becker asked. "A squid with an eye that big would've had much larger tentacles. And there's no way the feeder would've survived - a tentacle with that much dexterity would've grabbed him and easily pulled him through the porthole."

"It was just make-believe," Emily insisted. "Besides, it's not their fault that they haven't experience with real creatures like we have."

"Emily," Matt warned as a costumed kid turned and gave her a funny look before rushing off to join his family. It was the same family that had caught Abby's eye all day, and finally getting a good look at them only confirmed what she'd suspected.

"So are we heading home now?" Matt asked as the team ambled away down the street.

"Oh, so soon?" Jess was clearly disappointed. "It feels like we just got here. And I barely got any dancing in."

Abby noticed Becker's look of relief and was sorely tempted to point out that they'd be passing right by the dance hall on their way out but decided it was best to keep quiet.

"This isn't how we came in," Emily observed as they wound their way through the streets.

"'Course not - we pickpockets know t'best shortcuts."

Abby could tell Connor was up to something, but she wasn't sure what. He was leading them down a dark alleyway, complete with fake fog, yet it seemed so real that she couldn't help but shiver.

Suddenly Connor grabbed her hand, swung her about, and gave her a kiss.

"What was that for?" she asked.

"This is Mistletoe Alley, m'lady," he said, pointing to the festive decoration hanging from every rafter of the fake roof. "'N th'exit is roight 'round th'corner. What say Abby 'n me go get th'car, 'n we'll meet you lot outside in a few?"

And before they could even answer, Connor dragged Abby by the hand out of the alley and towards the exit.

Abby smiled, thinking he made a rather fine Father Christmas after all.

...

EPILOGUE

"Good morning, Lester," Abby greeted Monday morning. "How was your weekend?"

Lester shrugged noncommittally. "As good as can be expected at this time of year."

Abby nodded. "And how did your kids like the Great Dickens Christmas Faire?"

He froze in the middle of shuffling papers on his desk and stared at her in horror.

"Don't worry," Abby said. "No one else noticed. And I promise not to tell a soul."

Lester nodded warily. "Keep that promise, and you might be seeing a substantial Christmas bonus."

Abby laughed, not really expecting him to follow through, and started out of the office before remembering. "Oh, and a word of advice? You'd best get yourself a hat before next year - no proper Victorian gentleman would go out without one."

Though if he had worn one, she might never have spotted him in the first place!

...

THE END


End file.
